Tired but not sleepy

Here I sit Sunday night tired from the day but with a buzzing brain. My thoughts are a jumble of bouncy balls pinging about in my head. I have alot going on and I try to supress it so I can enjoy life day to day.

I am a future thinker. I always try to think about my future and plan out what to do and which path to take. I weigh my options. Look at past experiences. Try to make the best choices and eleminate major changes in my life. Slightly nurotic? Yes. Do I recognize this control freak in me as a problem.... yes.

It is crippling to my spiritual connection and eternal perspective. Jesse has been trying to apply for a new fire department and I have been limiting him to San Diego County. If any of you haven't noticed there aren't too many jobs around here. My life is good here. I love my home and being close to my family. I love my jobs and my business is growing. I am finally establishing some connections for my photography. I was so afraid of moving away from family and going through "Colorado" all over again. I got physically sick when Jesse applied out of state and almost got the position. In an attempt to avoid that I put up my front. Jesse was getting really frustrated with me. One night when I was praying and trying to connect I felt this urge to ask Jesse for a priesthood blessing. I could feel the holy ghost trying to communicate to me but it felt like someone talking to me underwater. I didn't know what was being said. All I knew for sure was that the Lord had something to tell me.

After finishing my garbled prayer I asked Jesse for a blessing. When he asked for what all I could say was I felt like I was not getting what the Lord was trying to say to me about something. Real specific right??

As he began his blessing, clarity rippled through my mind. He told me to not be afraid. To trust that the Lord has a plan and home is where your family is. As in my husband and my sons. Jesse told me exactly what was being said "under water." The spirit confirmed what he told me as I cried with relief and cowardice. I should have been stronger, but it is better to acknowledge a fear openly so you can work through it.

So now, here I am. Living day to day and enjoying the here and now. I have finally opened my arms and said "Here Lord. You take it. I'll go where you want me to go." Now if I could just get rid of those bouncy balls.