Ok, here's me. Just putting on a smile. Making sure I do the right things, say the right things, and trying to be a good example. Geeawsh it's exhausting!!! Who doesn't want to throw up their hands and say "I can't do this anymore!" There are plenty of things I want to do and say that would probably weird people out but I don't. Yes I would totally wear that.. but Jesse would hate it. Yea I would love to do that but someone would disapprove. Why, is it because I'm afraid to be me? Is it because the superficial surface Rachel is better in the world than the other part of me that feels stiffeled? At this point, I am confusing myself. I think I have reached the point in my life that everyday life isn't enough. I need an outlet. Photography is great but I cannot find anything inspiring lately. Writing is good too but I am afraid that my kids will read it someday and think "Man, mom really was a nut job!" CREATIVITY! I NEED IT! Help, I'm drowning in my own boring normality... or maybe I just need a new pair of shoes... ha ha ha! No money so, concequently, no shoes. Any cheap suggestions blogging world?
Ok, here's me. Just putting on a smile. Making sure I do the right things, say the right things, and trying to be a good example. Geeawsh it's exhausting!!! Who doesn't want to throw up their hands and say "I can't do this anymore!" There are plenty of things I want to do and say that would probably weird people out but I don't. Yes I would totally wear that.. but Jesse would hate it. Yea I would love to do that but someone would disapprove. Why, is it because I'm afraid to be me? Is it because the superficial surface Rachel is better in the world than the other part of me that feels stiffeled? At this point, I am confusing myself. I think I have reached the point in my life that everyday life isn't enough. I need an outlet. Photography is great but I cannot find anything inspiring lately. Writing is good too but I am afraid that my kids will read it someday and think "Man, mom really was a nut job!" CREATIVITY! I NEED IT! Help, I'm drowning in my own boring normality... or maybe I just need a new pair of shoes... ha ha ha! No money so, concequently, no shoes. Any cheap suggestions blogging world?
Triathlon training isn't doing it for you? I found it to be very invigorating but maybe you need a buddy to do it with you. There's nothing like a 30 mile Saturday morning bike ride with a good buddy and some sweet jams on your i pod to make you feel alive and accomplished! Hope you find something to get out of your funk.. the new shoes idea honestly might help :)
I know exactly how you feel. Especially since I'm not working in a theatre in any way, shape or form right now and haven't in over 2 years. I'm not sure I have any suggestions, except one. Write what you want to write. If your kids read it some day and think you're a nut job, well, guess what? They're your kids. They'll probably already know that :). Also, wear what you want to. Jesse may hate it, but he'll love having a happier wife. He married you because he loves YOU. ALL of you, not just the facade you put on for the world to see.
I think we all go through this. Don't let it stress you out, you can only be you. The only expectation is yours and who cares what anyone else thinks. Individuality is not a crime or a bad thing. Having different thoughts isn't wrong. If we all had the same thoughts, wore the same things, watched the same shows. How Boring!!
But maybe you should think of it this way...
In a land of beige, you are Red...everyone wants to be red, but they are too afraid of stepping out of the lines of beige.
So...plant a garden (if you need seeds I'll send you some), paint your toe nails every other day a different color, climb a mountain (even if it's just a hill in the backyard).
STOP EVERYTHING - and play with your kids. Everything through their eyes is an adventure, new, exciting and something to behold.
Find something you already own that you want to change and do it with something you already have! Do you have a picture frame that is dowdy and BORING??? Slap some Modge Podge and scrapbook paper on it... cover lampshades with some leftover fabric, or embellish it with some hanging doo-dads... HGTV gives me a lot of inspiration. Scour the free section of Craigslist and see what you can create!
Oh, and yes, playing and re-discovering things with your kids is also really fun. It's free and priceless! :) Good luck on your creativity quest; I'm right where you are right now too!